feeling cutty/ suicidal. getting my period was never this bad before. or maybe i just haven't noticed for the past three years cuz of hte birthcontrol or whatever. i hate feeling emotionally desperate and i hate having low self esteem/worth/confidence/whatever.

i swear, the only think keeping me from cutting/killing myself is religion. i hate being cheesy too. but at this point, it's all i have to rely on that is close. i really don't want to bug angie with this even though i know without a doubt that she'd want me to talk to her and i don't want to talk to rob about it because neither one of them needs my personal shit right now. i don't want to talk to austin about it because...well....because somewhere deep inside i don't want to admit that cutting might be okay...and he makes me feel like it is. not that that's bad per se, but...i'd rather have the impression that cutting is wrong. because i want desperately to believe that there is something wrong with people who take knives to themselves.

i never understood what 'i thought it was normal' meant until
until until until

until i realized shit
until i understood that not everyone had friends who stole, and smoked pot, and dealt drugs, and cut themselves, were raped, were molested.

i hate i hate i hate
i need i need i need
i want i want i want
i'm fucking pathetic. i see the pen in front of me. and i want to stab it into my arm. hard. desperately hard.

my must dried up and that makes me sad inside.